Man, I expected to  have this toy last year!  Remember when the second G.I. Joe movie was coming out in 2012?  Good times.  But now the film is finally in 3D and/or has extra Channing Tatum, and unless the movie gets delayed eight months at the last minute to add a dimension AGAIN, maybe we'll actually get to see it at the end of the month.  There's only so many more dimensions you can add!  It already had time!  What's next? Will we be adding Mr. Mxyzptlk?

Anyway, the movie's sudden rescheduling occurred just as the movie's tie-in toys were starting to hit stores.  Awkward.  And so we never got to the later waves with Bruce Willis in them.  I mean, dude, Bruce Willis G.I. Joe toy.  You gotta.  And so I did.

It wasn't until I left the register that I realized, wow, so that's why this thing's so heavy.  Buried in the packaging, basically entirely hidden, is Joe Colton's giant-ass missile launcher that's as big as he is.  I'm not sure why you'd obscure half your product, but there it was.  And what you do is attach this massive man-sized missile launcher to the top of a tommy gun so Joe Colton can sort of hold it, plug four missiles into it, and then pull the ripcord out of it, launching the missiles in turn.  In theory.  The thing that aggravates me about modern Joes is that NO ONE CAN HOLD THEIR WEAPONS, EVER.  Now, couple that inability with a gun that weighs as much as the actual figure.  That ain't happening.  Even if you don't want to stand the thing up while holding its man-sized weapon, getting the thing to actually stay in his hand is a chore.

(The photo I included above is the result of about half an hour of trial and error.  It fell over immediately thereafter.  Retakes, to be safe?  Hell no, I called it quits.)

It's too bad.  I'd really love my Bruce Willis toy to have a hilariously oversized missile launcher, but it's more trouble than it's worth.  So toss that stuff in the bin and resign yourself to only trying to get him to hold his normal-sized weapons.

I also got The Rock, because, hey, Roadblock.  And this one doesn't have a gun handle molded into his palm.  It does have an amazingly weird weapon set thing, though, that I didn't have the patience to figure out.  It's not worth it.  It's never worth it.  Joe weapons will never ever ever ever ever fit into hands, ever.

 

Though I only bought the set to get Dr. Venom, I certainly don't mind owning ... "Adventure Team Commander."  He's a 3 3/4"-scale version of the main 1960s 12-inch G.I. Joe dude, which was reintroduced into the later Marvel comic book issues as Joe Colton.  And then he stayed around for the Devil's Due stories as the grizzled G.I. Joe team leader.    Oh, hey, and he was in that last Joe/Transformers crossover.  So, yeah.  Wouldn't turn him down.  I like the idea of celebrating the early history of the line.

Like Dr. Venom, he's a mix of recycled parts with a new head.  I think he's got... Ace's arms?  Duke or Flint's torso with Snow Job's coat bottoms?  And I think those're Shipwreck's legs again...  The head looks like they took one of the 12-inch noggins and shrunk it.  It's pretty faithful.  I have an earlier Joe Colton figure up in storage and it didn't look half as faithful as this.

(He looks like Bob Vila.)

There are three accessories.  He's got a long-ass rifle, a handgun, and a backpack.  I had some trouble getting the backpack attached.  The vest is very tight on the torso, and it was positioned so that the backpack peghole was half-obscured.  Meanwhile, the backpack's peg was kinda soft.  It took a while and some care, but I did eventually manage to get that peg into the hole without breaking anything.

Man, that reads dirtily.